1. Americans focus too much on the next quarter and not the long term.
We on the board of directors find the shareholders to be really annoying. Can’t we just do what we feel like doing and enjoy our corner offices without you whiners always wanting return on investment? We’ll give you ROI someday and that should be good enough.
2. We (the Fed) are concerned about inflation and will remain vigilant.
We won’t really do anything to tighten the money supply but we hope that you’ll believe us and not dump our bonds when you see inflation creeping upward.
3. This has been a challenging quarter.
OK, we sucked big time. We can’t blame our own screw ups so let’s try to focus attention on the things that were beyond our control.
4. But we are optimistic for next quarter.
We don’t really have a plan but we’re praying that we get lucky and make more money.
5. Pass this tax for the children.
No matter how meager the benefits to the recipients nor how high the cost to others, we can always count on you sheep to go along with this. Anyone who disagrees with us hates children.
6. The people have spoken.
We’re elated to have won this election even though we had to outspend our opponents three to one. No one will fall for “God is on our side” but we can use this platitude as the next best thing.
7. Everyone must make sacrifices in these difficult times.
Taxpayers need to shut up and pay more. They’re just being greedy. We can’t expect bureaucrats to cut back and have smaller staffs or less luxurious offices. By “everyone” sacrificing we mean the little people.
8. Everyone must be patient. We can't expect (corruption in China, Pakistan, the US budget deficit) to change overnight.
OK, it's obvious that this is a horribly corrupt system. We can't offer any justification whatsoever. Just let us keep it going a little while longer, only a few more years. Please?
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